Self Preservation Is Segzy

Thank you for doing your homework.  I know this isn't a Societal Issues Friday Topic, but this is important to me.  With so many of our young men going to jail and an increase in the number of their SO's who are also going, we need to think of and implement some strategies.  When are we (the Black community), going to teach our girls that one of our inalienable rights is the right to ruin our OWN lives? If my shyt is going to be fugged up, I'd rather do it myself instead of allowing people in my life so that they can do it (through crime, poor treatment, etc.).

The article, IMO, speaks to compatibility of lifestyle.  Equally yoked on a basic social level!  If you have nothing to lose or think going to jail is a part of life, you can't be my man, my friend, or my associate.  I don't feel like I owe it to you to give you a chance because you are Black, a woman, or even short like me!  If I spend my entire effing life getting to Howard, to Harvard, or to the front of the line at the Safeway, I'm not going to risk that for some stranger...or even some wayward friend.  See, that's the reason some folks make it out the hood and stay out of it while others don't. 

It's OK to think of self and act in your own best interest! It's OK to assess someone's life choices, see that they don't align with yours, and walk the fug away.  The way I see it, these boys and men are NOT operating with their SO's/frociate's best interest in mind.  If a man is doing something illegal, and he wants his SO/frociate to do something illegal too, or brings illegal activities to her doorstep, he doesn't give two shyts about her.  Young women have it so twisted.  They think their participation in illegal activity with their dude shows their dedication.  No!  It shows pure stupidity and misplaced priorities. 

This girl and her friend should have been out of reach to young men like this.  They should have been the girls that the dudes saw, walking across the street with Harvard sweatshirts on and those young men thought they would never have a chance bedding or befriending those girls.  There's this ridiculous crabs-in-a-barrel mentality that makes Black folks think we owe it to our race to 'keep it real'.  Da fug kinda logic is that?  It's not logical at all when most times that means we think we're obligated to risk everything we've achieved to not look like a 'sell out' to people whose choices in like made them 'not 'bout shyt'.  Since our girls are doing so much better than our boys (socially and educationally), we need to teach our girls not to put themselves in harms way for lust,or love.  We need to teach our daughters that considering self preservation isn't a bad thing.  But how?  Y'all know I want to start a movement where grown women stop sleeping with broke men!  But apparently, we need to start teaching self preservation in third grade.  How do we teach our girls that allegiance to race isn't the end all be all.

Comments

[Ted]

Will comment longer at lunch, but as for the queries:

1) The Harvard chick was never convicted or charged for anything. Last heard, she was not allowed to graduate from Harvard and had left the country for Italy.

2) The Hampton chick's name was Kemba Smith.

And most importantly: why all your black chick stories gotta be about women from my alma maters?!?! lol

[onefromphilly]

It's hard to say this and even harder to feel. But I accept and deal with it because it's Science and logic. It's call Natural Selection.

The weaker of the species will fall off and cease to exist. The stronger will evolve and propagate. That way the species WILL get stronger.

As a "People" we must be willing to let the deliberately weaker fall off.

[Ms. Smart]

Except that our brightest and best are not making enough kids. It's the very people who shouldn't be left in charge of raising squirrels who are populating our communities.

[Ms. Smart]

She wasn't convicted but associating with people who have nothing to lose is the reason Harvard snatched her wig. She worked too hard to let her associates write a check her behind has to cash. And yes, I know if her name was Becky she woulda skipped across that stage while her associates skipped off to jail. As for Kemba (thanks for the name) folks wanted to be all sympathetic but from the accounts I read, she was well aware of the risks. But like more, she didn't think the consequences were REAL. Dude killed himself, she went to jail, her parents had to keep her son. For what? Cus her ass didn't stay in her lane and let some low-life pull her off the good path.

[Honest]

My initial reaction when reading the article was well you lie with dogs you get flees.

After reading it a bit more I realized that she should have received her diploma regardless of what happened since she wasn't charged nor convicted of a crime. I don't however blame Harvard for kicking her off campus. She brought MURDER to their doorstep. I know if I was a parent of a child living in that dorm I don't care if she didn't let the in or not she knew them and brought them into her world and subsequently my child's world.

I didn't grow up too far away from where she's from but my mama didn't raise me with that we're in the hood so we're going to act like it mentality. My mom made sure I was kept away from any bad influential element in our neighborhood. She brought me up with a sense of self and enough snobiness to know that I can't just be friends with anyone especially a "thug or thuglette". When I was home this past w/e my mom asked me if I was glad she never let me go outside and play in front of the building with those kids. Those kids ended up getting knocked up at 16, never finishing college and/or having a hard life.

[SoJo]

My first thought is that when I was younger, that I could have easily been a cautionary tale. Not because I would've consented to being a drug mule, aiding and abetting criminals or anything stupid. But just because it was hard for me to emotionally let go of some of my HS friends who were "in that life".

It wasn't about me sleeping w/ any of them or trying to keep it real. It was because I wanted to inspire and help them to make different choices. I saw the potential in them and was often blind to the reality. My mom made sure that I left Atlanta for that very reason. She wasn't sure that I had enough common sense not to mix the two worlds.

Now I'm able to do the same thing I did back then, but on a safer level - as an educator. I can help the "thugs and thuglettes" that most people write-off and also help the "good girls" like me so that they don't drown themselves trying to help them.

[WuDaMan]

Meh you have a point in some regards. If you can't be vigilant in your own protection you should know and be vigilant about your boundaries.

[Ms. Smart]

And that's all well and good. I'm no longer in the business of having higher expectations for someone than what they have for themselves! When a swimmer tried to help a panicked drowning person, if the swimmer isn't careful, that drowning person will pull them down. Our girls think it's their duty to hang around non-swimmers!

[Ms. Smart]

Right! As a parent I'm not sending my child away to have to deal with murder in their home. That dorm is their home. I see if like this: If my goal is to be a red left shoe, why the hell would I kick it with folks whose goal in life is to be a piece of paper!? I wanna role with shoe people, cobblers, leather experts, and people who can get me on Oprah.

[Ms. Smart]

Dayum Wu! In two sentences! Wow!

[SoJo]

I agree. I also think it goes deeper than just self-preservation for our young girls regarding avoiding thug life. The same thing is happening to young (and old) women w/ regards to men across the board.

As women, we simply aren't taught to put ourselves first but men are. They make no apologies about ensuring their survival. It's the reason that some of us allow "good men" to treat us like crap while we remain supportive. We fight like hell to avoid being labeled as selfish.

It's the same destructive mentality in seemingly different situations.

[SoJo]

Eggs.

[Ames]

I missed how chanequa was associated with he druggards. She was friends with the girl whose boyfriend was the shooter.

Chanequa's mistake seems to be going to Harvard and befriending the other hood girl.

As for the other hood girl, she is a criminal. She hid the gun and lied. I can't blame a boy for
that. She chose a lifestyle. She had something in common with the dealer. She probably liked to buy what his drug money purchased.

I am thinking hood kids should be left in the hood. They will get out when they
are adults and are sure they want out. The hood has it's place.

I recall an Asian girl being murdered in a Harvard librar/lab a few days before her
wedding. A white boy did that. He also had a security badge. I think he stuffed her body in the wall. Harvard knows murder.

[Ms. Smart]

You should talk to my stylist. She firmly believes everyone shouldn't be encouraged to leave the hood cus "Everyone's not ready!"

[Anna N.]

Oh snap, are you starting a new movement - NINP (No Income No Poon)? Sign me up.

Chanequa was proud of her backgound. Nothing wrong with that, until her background came back to bite her in the butt. From what I've read it was her friendship with another Harvard student that took her down, not her relationship with folks outside of the school. How many times have any of us realized that we were hanging with friends and friends-of-friends...and that somebody in the circle wasn't quite right? Even when we keep our close, regular circle on the same page most of us are only 2 degrees seperated from Pookie n'em. Shoot, half the time they're related to us in some way. I know I've looked around a few times in my youth and been like, "Dang, I need to get the heck out of here. We're all gone look the same once the po-po roll through."

All that to say, ole girl should sue the pants off Harvard for her dang degree. She earned it, she wasn't charged, end of story. Oh, and slap her dayum mama.

[Ms. Smart]

Lesson: Don't choose friends who choose bad friends. I'm thinking about some of the folks I used to roll hard with but they chose to befriend people who do drugs. My fear is being in the car with a frociate and his friend/girlfriend, getting stopped, and the frociates friend is carrying drugs. No and thank you.

This also reminds me of the time I realized I was on a date with a drug dealer (who poses as a businessman, actually has a business, but it's all a front), who took me to a place where drug dealers went. Not only was I uneasy but it was the ONLY hint I needed to make me play him to the left. To this day when I see him, he's still passing himself off to women as on the up and up. And I bet most don't bother to really think abt his schedule, what he owns, who he hangs with, and see that it just doesn't add up. All they see is the good time!

[Honest]

I didn't realize she wasn't friends with the dudes directly. Gotta be careful though hanging out with people who consort/are friends with thugs and thugettes can come back to bite you in the behind indeed.

[Ames]

But maybe the needs of the future require physical strength.

If the smart were really the strong, they would be the majority and who would do the lifting?
The smart are too smart to have an urge to procreate.

Following natural selection wouldn't the brightest appear to be the weakest?

[WuDaMan]

"You can have the white mayne I just want the yoke long as it's a south I ain't gone never go brooke." 25 points you know who said that.

[SoJo]

NINP?!?!? #iQuit!!!!

[Anna N.]

My issue is that most of us are fortunate enough to not get caught up while learning this lesson, while others aren't as blessed. Here's my real life example:

I was hanging out many years back with my homegirl who was born and raised in DC. She's a hard worker, raised her little sibs and is pretty much a good person all around. We drove to the liquor store in my car in preparation to chill and watch movies at her place. While we're there she runs into one of her older female cousins. They start catching up on family stuff and older cousin sits for a sec in my back seat with the door still open. When she left she doubled back and said she thought she'd dropped $5 and proceeded to look all over the back seat for it. She didn't find it and said she'd retrace her steps later.

3 months or so pass, and my boyfriend at the time takes my car to clean it. He comes back giving me the hard side-eye and asks me why the hell do I have a crack pipe in my car. Me: "Wha?" He knew I wasn't a crackhead, and I knew none of my friends or folks I had in my car were crackheards. It took me a few DAYS to figure out what happened, but I finally remembered that "older cousin" was the only person I didn't know well who had been in my ride. This is what happened when I let the wrong person just SIT in my car! Just thinking about what could have happened in that time made me cringe. Needless to say I limited my interaction with my friend after that.

My point is that most of us who want to excel realize that we'll have to let go of some associations to achieve our goals. It's what happens WHILE we're learning those lessons that makes the difference. I look at her situation and know that I was blessed enough to be protected while I was figuring my own stupid stuff out.

[Ted]

First point, Harvard Yard is in the midst of a pretty eclectic mix of people. Students are routinely robbed late at night there and there are beggars and seedy characters in Harvard Square hoping to capitalize on the young rich kids. So, these Harvard girls did not have to go far to look for trouble, nor would the locals be at all intimidated by their school ID cards and sweatshirts. Honestly, just as women in DC and Atlanta routinely hook up with men "beneath" them for a lack of options, these girls fell into the same trap. AND, most importantly, they were young. What were YA'LL doing at 18? 22? That is not the age of wise choices, but where wisdom is gained through BAD choices. These young ones just happened to get caught up... could have happened to a number of us.

That said, I agree with the sentiment (if not the letter) of what you have here. Women, especially young women, too often define themselves by the man they have. While this is inherently not a bad thing, when that definition becomes the sum total of who they are, it is a problem (no matter how honorable the intentions). The issue here is to tell young girls that they don't have to be defined by a man, but that there is nothing at all wrong with a man being PART of her definition. Too many times it's "get you a man" or "you don't need no man." The former breeds too much dependence and the latter too much independence. A mix is th proper approach in my mind, and teaching women how to think critically about where the right balance for her is should be job #1.

*no proofread*

[Ms. Smart]

First, your comment is way too long.

At 18, I was in my second year of college. My SO was a student at HU--on the football team. Locals tried but I wasn't tryna fall for the okeydoke. And this was how I got to HU in the first place! Do you know how many opportunities I had to be with some young nucklehead who'd do nothing more than knock me up and limit my options! Since I was 13! And I can only imagine it's still this way for girls. But somehow, I knew that doing anything (associating with certain people) who'd pull me from my path wasn't an option. And I still got to party, bullshyt, date etc. I just did it with people who were going where I was going.

[Ms. Smart]

Effing fantastic example! Got you riding round these streets with a damned pipe in your car! See, you got me over here pissed on your behalf!

[Anna N.]

Grrrl...I was HEATED!

[Icey1273]

Quota time suckas!

How do we teach our girls that allegiance to race isn't the end all be all?

Fear seems to work with my 3rd grader so far plus she is a wee bit selfish. She THINKS I'm crazy but KNOWS her daddy is crazy.

We keep her busy with positive actvities.

We vet her friends. She has two that she's known since pre-school. I know there people and their people's people. One of these friends is about to get kicked off the island because her parents don't follow through on the consequences and she's beginning to "smell her self"

I believe in consequences

We may even be a bit overprotective but she can cut the fool when she has a light bill in her name

Yeah imma go with fear of consequences

[Brownbelle]

That definitely works. My friends were vetted all the way through high school and I never went anywhere with anyone who hadn't been by the house (male or female). My sibs and I were never attracted to hoodrat stuff...because simple things like not doing chores had consequences, we weren't even about to try skipping school or drinking or drugs.

That stayed with me when I went to college. All my boyfriends had goals to become architects, computer scientists, engineers etc so my getting knocked up would have disrupted their life plans as well as mine (selfishness goes a long way in promoting smart decisions!). A hood guy tried to talk to me once but he would always cut off our convos around 9pm and when I finally asked why he said he had to make some "deliveries". I haven't talked to him since.

[Ms. Smart]

You bring up something interesting. I always skipped school and drank. I didn't think doing those things had consequences for which I was unprepared. We didn't drink and drive and I can't even say we ever got beyond being buzzed. But as an adult I can look back and recognize the danger of doing grown up things.