Back in the day, remember people used to wear full denim outfits. The only problem was that if you washed each item the same number of times, you'd end up with two pieces of denim that no longer matched. But it gets to a point where they colors start to fade and basically remain consistent. I'm starting to think this happens in relationships. With time, people get washed with life. If they aren't careful, if the don't have a belt or something to tie the top and bottom together, they end up not matching.
In the last few years, as more and more of my friends' marriages end, I hear this: the women change, the men don't or certainly not as much. Is it really that simple though? If these women are changing so much that they are no longer a good match with their spouse, couldn't they also make adjustments to make it work? I mean both people. By change, I don't mean a band-aid solution like having a kid. At the point that the relationship is hanging at a thread, I've seen all of the divorced couples try to or succeed in having a child (or multiple kids). Yet, they still end in divorce.
About the couple 'going though' now, I think if things don't work out, maybe their next spouses will be a better match. Maybe they will be at a more stable shade a blue. And on the second time around, they'll choose a stabler shade of blue. This is my theory because I think people change less the older they get. Unless they specifically seek a 'rack' of new experiences, it seems logical that most of the new, life shaping experiences mostly happen when people are young.
What do y'all think? I've never been married or divorced. Sooo, all that I'm writing is based on interviews conversations and observations.
My opinion is women change more than men over time. After spending her life being conditioned into thinking that she has to "get a man," her goals and incentives change after she gets one "got." If you spent your whole life trying to become rich, once you are rich, you don't interact with those around the same anymore. Tennessee Oprah is not Chicago Oprah.
Men on the other hand become MORE of what they were before marriage. If his ass had instances of disrespect during dating, he will be disrespectful in marriage. If he was a bit of KISA dating, he will be a hella KISA in marriage. If he watched the games every other weekend during courtship, he will be posted up Thursday through Sunday in front of the TV in marriage.
Both folks change: women become different, men become samer. (lol) This is part of the reason women think they can change a man... it's natural to her because SHE changed. But dude hasn't, and probably won't.
As for second time around marriages, all folks are doing is exchanging one set of problems/incompatibilities for another. Sometimes that exchange is beneficial, sometimes it isn't.
Posted by: Ted | 11/22/2010 at 07:29 AM
I don't think it's so much that women change more, but that they get tired -- of giving of themselves to everyone in their lives. LOL
Married men live longer than single men. But Single women live longer than married women. Why is that?
Posted by: sherri | 11/22/2010 at 07:49 AM
If he watched the games every other weekend during courtship, he will be posted up Thursday through Sunday in front of the TV in marriage.
and if you like to partake in a game or 2 when you were dating, don't be surprised that your mate expects you there with him.
A certain person remains surprised that I do not want to go to 42 NBA games & 8 NFL games a year. "I thought you liked xxx sport". I do, but not that much.
Posted by: sherri | 11/22/2010 at 08:09 AM
I don't know and I've been married umm...like...forever. In our case, I think we must be some kind of denim blend. There have been times when our color has been off, but we always managed to pull it together - we've always said what need to be said, communicated our needs/desires and, thus the color always seems to blend back. We have had some dark moments, but we are both of the mindset that love is a verb (not just a random emotional state) and requirers work & action so as to not wither.
He is always my knight - sometimes rusty, funky, & the steed is near death; most times shiny, sparkly, w/beautiful white horse-standard flying.
We CHOOSE to love, grow, adjust, communicate, compromise. The alternative is not an option...for us.
Posted by: TravelDiva | 11/22/2010 at 08:12 AM
This right here is my belief of how it should go. But I'm single so I can't suggest that this is even an option.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 08:30 AM
The alternative is not an option...for us.
BOTTOM.LINE.
Posted by: Ted | 11/22/2010 at 08:55 AM
How you said this is spot ON! We age and fade like various shades of denim blue.
Grow together or grow apart. It's almost as simple as that.
The complicated part is that you never know going into a marriage HOW you will grow or how circumstances will force you to grow.
Posted by: onefromphilly | 11/22/2010 at 09:01 AM
Wisdom!
*copies and pastes into wisdom bucket.
Posted by: KaNisa | 11/22/2010 at 09:25 AM
Wow, it seems that all of my married friends are having problems and falling apart. Last night I got a little emotional in my prayers and asked God where is the love, respect and concern in these households. It is SOOOOOO refreshing to hear about a positive relationship (even if I don't know you). Thanks for that.
Posted by: ondrea | 11/22/2010 at 10:13 AM
Hopefully they will do the work to work it out.
If they are both willing they can get it together.
Posted by: Ames | 11/22/2010 at 10:20 AM
I think everyone change as they experience life. Though we may be at the same point when we meet the same experiences may change us in different ways. That is why character is so important when it comes to choosing a mate. Things like respect, consideration, and selflessness is what makes a marriage work even if you grow in different directions.
Posted by: mrcrazyone | 11/22/2010 at 10:23 AM
Love the denim analogy. I had one about a pair classic Reeboks unearthed years after burial, but I can't remember it, and I'm sure this one is more fitting. I've got five years in, and I really get an ache in my belly when I hear about separations, celebrity and otherwise. We work at loving each other everyday, especially in the way we talk to one another...cause I can be abrasive when I wanna be. The small deeds or misdeeds can be a catalyst to the larger madness that ensues, so I would encourage folks to watch their words, bc they become actions, and of course, rely on that overaching tenet from TravelDiva...the alternative is simply not an option.
Posted by: HM | 11/22/2010 at 10:58 AM
Willingness to keep it working. I'm often surprised to hear that people who have been together for 20+ years decide to get divorced. I imagine that there have HAD to be some rough times in the 20 years that have worked themselves out but what happened in year 20 that folks decided to say thanks but I can't anymore.
Posted by: Honest | 11/22/2010 at 12:08 PM
A lot of people are just holding on until the kids get out of the house.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 12:17 PM
Maybe the key is to get ahead of the fade. Discover that the pants have to be washed inside-out but that the jacket doesn't. In other words, from the start, recognize and expect changes, then agree on a communication strategy to deal with them.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 12:59 PM
THIS.
Character. Not unrealistic qualities that we put on our lists when looking for a spouse.
Posted by: heartdrops | 11/22/2010 at 01:00 PM
What is work for you and your husband may be more that other folks are willing to do. Some people feel like it's work to have to go to their SO's business functions.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 01:04 PM
The husband's whole demeanor has changed. The wife, however, is still herself. She doesn't really seem worried. She's said she knows he'll divorce her. Yet, three minutes after, she started going on about what she'll do WHEN it happens. Two minutes later, she was talking about them trying to have a baby. I was sitting there with the word 'confused' on my forehead.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 01:07 PM
You know what? I think Ames stated the point about character very well last week over on Babs' blog. Character is a given when any sensible person is listing their ideal qualities in a mate. Now, where the problem comes in is that a lot of people (even though who verbally state character as being one of their must-haves) don't really get the true depth of what it means to be of sound character. Maybe because they aren't themselves. Maybe because they've never been taught to recognize it.
Last week, I made a snap decision to kinda throw someone under the bus. I had to think if I would want to be with a mate who did that. My answer was real slick: Yes, because my mate and I will be a team. So if he has to throw a non-team member under the bus to further OUR agenda, then so be it. <--See what I did there? THAT'S the kind of justification that leads people to judge character incorrectly. Though I still maintain, my husband has to think of OUR agenda first and foremost because nobody else is going to do it for us. But the truth is that I need someone who is more thoughtful than me. See, I didn't even really give too much thought about the person being under that bus. My instinct was "What's best for ME?" I say all this to say, maybe people are choosing mates whose character matches their own.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 01:09 PM
I think people do look for character. The problem is that they don't truly understand it.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 01:09 PM
water seeks its own level.
Posted by: sherri | 11/22/2010 at 01:34 PM
and no, I think people SAY they look for character. But I think it is an after thought. We look at the shiny stuff first. A good career/looks/height/funny/cultured/sex appeal does not equal good character.
If people really looked at character first, half of these jokers wouldn't get a fourth date.
Posted by: sherri | 11/22/2010 at 01:36 PM
True. And I'ont feel no kinda way about it. I stepped up, someone tried to get in on the preferential treatment I requested. I could have gotten less than what I wanted or I could get what I wanted and the other person got nothing. Survival of the fittest. The person under the bus can use this as a learning experience. Learn to get in line BEFORE Ms. Smart. See what I did there? Complete justification.
Now that I think about it, the accessory in the whole bus incident is agenda driven too. Said person could have moved aside in favor of satisfying me AND the other person. That didn't happen either. Water. Level. OK.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 02:16 PM
LOVE this analogy. I was having this conversation w/ some of my Indian tweeps on Twittuh yesterday. Travel Diva summed up kind of what I was trying to say in 140 characters or less.
Posted by: SoJo | 11/22/2010 at 02:23 PM
It is hard to recognize character especially when one is blinded by shiny things and love/lust. I think that is why it is important to keep a list of character traits that are important to you and why. It is kind of like going car shopping. You need to know what is acceptable to you in terms of model year and mileage. You have to keep at the forefront of your mind because a nice paint job and some shiny rims will make you stray if you don’t watch it.
Posted by: mrcrazyone | 11/22/2010 at 03:34 PM
I thought if you decide to be with a person you grow with them or change with them or adapt to their changes or whatever. Isn't it a given that people will change? I mean I've never been married but I guess people need to figure out what kind of change would be a dealbreaker because people and circumstances will change. I mean I really feel like sometimes people just don't want to be married to that person anymore. It doesn't matter what interventions are used, they just want out.
Posted by: missmajestic | 11/22/2010 at 06:25 PM
THIS. Some folks go to counseling so they can say they tried when all the while they plan to divorce.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 11/22/2010 at 06:50 PM
This....
Posted by: Jeanine | 11/22/2010 at 09:12 PM