Chaperon

You have a 13 year old daughter in 8th grade.  She's popular.  Kids are always hanging around your house between the time she gets home from school and you get home from work.  The kids never go in.  You know this because your neighbors have told you as much. 

You're at home on a Sunday.  It's just above freezing.  Two of your daughter's friends come by.  They are both boys.  You recognize the name of one boy as her boyfriend because you've seen the text messages and email between the two of them.  You've also heard his name when she and her girlfriends get together. 

Do you let the boys see your daughter?  In your house?  Or do you allow her to hang out with them under the condition they stay outside on the porch?

Comments

[WuDaMan]

I'd let them see her tell them she can't hang out as they were unannounced. Kids & their passive aggressive stop bys.

[Babs]

It's just above freezing?

They are free to come in and hang out in the kitchen or around the kitchen table...for a short amount of time. I don't particularly like unannounced visitors, but I would give her a small bit of liberty.

[sherri]

I would think my child would no better than to have friends stop by unannounced. There wouldn't be kids at my house when adults are not around to supervise - porch or not.

He would need to call his mama and get permission for him to visit for awhile. I just give him a ride home so that I can check out his folks and let them know what my expectations.

[ondrea]

My daughter wouldn't have a "boyfriend" at 13 so...

[onefromphilly]

My daughter wouldn't have a boyfriend at 13 and that little boy would hear it from me personally. I'd let him come in, explain to him in a very nice way why my daughter won't be dating him, offer him some cookies and milk, let him stay of 1 hour, send him home.

[mrcrazyone]

I invite them in and tell them in a nice way that in the future they need to check and make sure it is okay to come over before stopping by. I then tell my daughter that they can stay and chill in the kitchen or the front room for about thirty minutes. Shout out to all the parents that took the time to correct my behavior and explain things to me when I was younger.

[Babs]

Oh, that's an option in this scenario? Yeah, no way Foxy will have boyfriends at 13. No way.

[Anna N.]

I'd let them come in for a little. While they're at my house I would also call their parents and explain that they will be home shortly and that any visits need to be approved ahead of time.

[WuDaMan]

Ooooh that might be the perfect time to go Kentucky Kourting Kan't find Klothes or Kovering for under wear & dress shoes & socks. Give these foolish boys a lesson in how I ross lizard guano four loco...

[TravelDiva]

<<<---This. We don't have boyfriends at 13. I would have nipped that in the bud when I saw the texts/emails indicating such. I would invite the boys in, fixed them some hot cocoa and explained the way its gonna be with my daughter right there. If The FireMarshall was there, then I'd let him do the 'splaining while looking over the top of his glasses with that look. We are NOT girlfriend/boyfriend and we CALL before we come over to get permission and so I can talk to YOUR momma.

With class over & a warm, full belly - send them on their way.

[BlkBond]

No boyfriends. There will be no male company until 16/17 (I haven't decided) to visit.

I would sit the boys down to explain this to them as well before sending them on their way.

Just because it's freezing doesn't mean much to me. They made a conscious decision to come over unannounced, so they should expect the possibility that the visit will not take place.

All that 'chillin' on the porch' would be dead as well. No company (male or female) when parents are not home.

I'm so Southern...

Bond.

[Ms. Smart]

I am the snitching neighbor.  I told the woman what was going on and assumed she'd speak to her daughter about the kids hanging out.  I am pretty sure she doesn't know any of her daughter's friends.  When I've made reference to the particular ones who are around, she has no idea who I'm talking about. From where I sit, she isn't getting a handle on this situation at all.  If boys (kids) are stopping by willy-nilly, by summer they will be in the house. 

[Ms. Smart]

NONE of our daughters wouldn't have a boyfriend--that we know of.  This child is bursting at the seams.  I'm thinking about my time as a middle school teacher.  Most parents didn't do anything to put the breaks on their kids because they had no idea what their kids were doing.  This woman has neighbors (me, cus I stay on 'snitch') warning her, telling her, and she's not doing anything.  Furthermore, the 13 year old who has the balls to show up at someone else's home unannounced needs to be reigned in too.  IMO, she should be over at these boys' parents homes letting them know that if these boys do this again, it's hell to pay.  Also, this 13 year old who, right now, is holding court on the porch after school, needs some damned activities.  I'm just short of calling the cops when I see them.  The only thing that has stopped me thus far is that they are pretty much 'respectful' loiterers.

[L.P.]

Growing up, my dad had one policy: anybody who comes to visit us (4 girls) HAD to come INSIDE the house... In the family room area (we weren't allowed to have friends/non-relatives upstairs in the bedrooms)... His logic was that if the person is not brave enough to face him inside his house, they don't need to make our acquaintances.

The boys are both coming INSIDE the house... in the living room/family room...etc... I will make sure my daughter knows that friends have to announce themselves before showing up... I may actually even call the kids' parents... (Yes I'm old school with it.) Lol.

[KaNisa]

This! My head got blown at the 13 year old with a boyfriend part.

After my sisters starting to date at 16, my parents cut that off.

I didn't start myself until I was in college.

[Ms. Smart]

You're nicer than me.  I would load them up in a car and deliver their asses to their parents.  You can imagine my face while walking past seeing those boys and the girl standing outside. 

[Ms. Smart]

"Shout out to all the parents that took the time to correct my behavior and explain things to me when I was younger."

THIS!  In a previous response I may have said something about wondering what type of parents they have.  But it's very possible that they have been raised 'right' but are taking liberties as available.  I only offer this option because they aren't rude.  Actually, sometimes they are downright helpful so they have some sense.

[Ms. Smart]

You are too nice.  Their little rude asses need to be checked, hard.  So much so that they know that Foxxy's house is not a place for foolishness and are scared to return.  So much so that when they go off to college they want to stop by on breaks to show you what fine young men they've turned out to be.  then again, I'm pretty sure you'd put the breaks on all that hanging out on your porch after school so they probably wouldn't be comfy enough to drop by.

[Ms. Smart]

What would you say to your daughter?

[Ms. Smart]

Adults pull this too--probably cus they weren't checked as kids.

[Ms. Smart]

Ah yes.  The Wu we know and love is back!

[Ms. Smart]

These boys wouldn't stop by your house.  They'd already know the Fire Marshall existed and would already be afraid to come through the house. 

[Ms. Smart]

Again, I guess my point is that this shyt shoulda been nipped in the bud when school started back and the parent found out the deal.  Lemme think back...Yeah I was allowed company but my step-father, uncles, and mother made it so uncomfortable...My mother would make visitors (girls and boys) do chores.  I had an uncle and cousin who were 4-5 years older than me.  They were always at the house.  They were always mean.  My step-father would appear to be nice, let the boy hang in the livingroom and never tell me the poor boy was there.

[Ms. Smart]

You know what?  Your dad is right.  My people knew the legal guardians for all of my friends, frienemies, frociates, etc.  On some level I don't feel like this woman is prepared to deal with a popular teenage girl. 

[Ms. Smart]

I'm not blown at all.  My students all have 'at school' or 'in the neighborhood' boyfriends/girlfriends.  And I BET, 80% of their parents would swear up and down no such thing was happening.  It makes parents feel better to think it's not going on.  Drive past a middle school before or after school and you'll see there are a lot of couples and hooking up. 

[Ames]

I ask why 2 boys came. Are they afraid to walk alone, are they brothers, do they have a train planned? I invite them in for Sunday dinner and call their parents to make sure its okay. If I have allowed a boyfriend, allowed her to have kids hang out after school unsupervised, allowed her to be home alone daily, I can't see myself changing standards because its Sunday.

Is it possible to parent only on weekends? That is what this scenario seems like.

[Ms. Smart]

My shock was that after I told her, the after school porch party kept on happening. Then on Sunday when I saw her car, saw here coming & going, then saw her daughter & the boys, I was like, Ooooh OKAY, she's one of 'those' parents. This is all so fascinating to me.

[sherri]

Exactly. If you are blod enough to stop by like this at 13, what do you do at 15? In the summer when you are free all day.

Hell No.

That's why I would be on my way to his mother's house. Expectations need to be set. My kid is NOT to be at her house if she hasn't spoken to me and vice versa. Sounds like she needs a few "your Mom is crazy" moments.

[Icey1273]

Without reading the other comments: Have I met or do I know the boys people? The girl has a BF that I havent met? You didn't call BEFORE you rang my doorbell and my kid didn't ask if she could have company. Those little mannish boys can go home and I will have a come to Jesus meeting with my potentially fass tail daughter.

Back to reading

[Icey1273]

THIS!

[Icey1273]

As a follow-up: there is no dating at 13 in Babe's world; and there shole (yep) won't be kids hanging out in front of my house when I am not at home OR if I am at home! If I don't know your people? Forget about that mess!

This popular "non-parenting" ish got my pressure up! lol

[SoJo]

First, this situation would have been nipped in the bud the FIRST time the neighbor told me that randoms were hanging at my house. I would've done a pop up visit the next day and called their people.

In this scenario, I would let them into the house so that we could discuss PROPER visitation etiquette - which at 13 is a no go. I was not allowed to have male company at my house until I was 15, although I could hang out w/ friends and talk to boys at 13. And again, their parents would be called. Oh and my husband would scare the holy bejeebus out of them.

It's easy for y'all to say that your daughters/sons won't have boyfriends at 10, 11, 12 and 13 but um...y'all do know that a lot of them have them anyway... Most kids are just not bold enough to take their romance off of school property.

[Ms. Smart]

The part abt what kids really do seems to go unnoticed. I'm not exactly sure how a child could spend 7 hours at school and the parent have full control of whether the kid is claiming a SO.

[Anna N.]

Why must you bring these hard questions? I'm already nervous with not 1, but 2 girls on the way!

We would have a lot to talk about. I'm not happy with any of the following: friends on the porch while I'm gone, boys over the house unannounced and boyfriends in general. But if my daughters are anything like me I want to give them some credit for having *some* common sense - but they think they know everything. The fact that she didn't let the friends come in while I was over says to me that she has some boundaries, they're just not the same as mine. So I have to lay down the law and let her know WHY things are that way. It's about setting boundaries for yourself so that you get the respect you want.

[Anna N.]

I called myself having a boyfriend at 13 - but our relationship was non-existent off school property, lol. Back then it was a tad more innocent, though. Kids would kiss (sometimes with tongue, omg) outside before the bus took us home. Secks wasn't even a consideration. These days folks are getting knocked up in middle school.

[Ms. Smart]

Better to start considering these things now than later.

[Ms. Smart]

There was sex going on--just not any of my friends at that age.

[Ames]

I like to think parents have a bit of mind control over their kids and regular conversation.

But if kids are at school 7 hours and then home alone for some hours after school, there may be limited communication.

I'm already in the practice of thin air appearances. I plan to continue that once they start school.

[Anna N.]

I'ma also add that this is one of the reasons I wanted to raise my kids in a community of single family homes. Just too many dang kids (and not enough eyes to watch em) in multi-family housing

[KaNisa]

Basically.

My parents put the fear of God in me. I might have had crushes, but they drilled into me to keep my head off of boys in in the books.

Even dude's whose parents asked if they could take me to a b-ball game or something....the answer was always no.

Same for my sisters...they for real did not date or have boyfriends until 16.

It's possible.

[Ms. Smart]

I wrote abt this a while back. Our community may want to consider doing more guidance and less shielding. Do you think you'd be less socially _____ (too lazy to go to you blog and see what word you used) if you has supervised opportunities to interact with people in social settings?

[Melonieisaprincess]

I, for one, would politely tell those boys that my daughter is not available and send them on their way. Nobody has a broken leg, right?

And then I'd explain to my daughter that NOBODY, male or female, is allowed over to my house without me knowing their parents, a call in advance, and possibly a hostess gift. Before my children hang out, WE will hang out in the kitchen so I can assess what type of hometraining these children have. I believe in familiarizing myself with the crazy.

Finally, TWO boys? Negative. I also believe in a fair ratio.

I'm curious...why would your neighbor allow a bunch of children to hang over at her house UNSUPERVISED? I don't care if they go in the house or keep their asses on the porch. A group of kids without an adult means trouble.

[Ms. Smart]

I don't know either. Keep in mind, I don't live next door. There's a whole grassy knoll between my entrance and their front door. Once I'm inside, I can't see or hear what they are doing. If I am annoy, concerned, and noticing these kids, I can only imagine how annoyed their direct neighbors are. This stuff is super weird. I predict by spring, if they haven't made it inside the house, more kids will find out her porch is the after school hot spot. You appear to be new this spot so you may not know I stay ready, willing, and able to get the cops to control that situation.

[Jhane Sez]

The most dangerous time for kids 13 to 17 is between the time they leave school and the time parents return.

The way I was raised there was always an adult home with the kids or the kids were in an after school activity... even latch key kids stayed over a friends house until with a supervising adult until their parents were due home.

At 13 my daughter’s friends and parents assumed based on my youthful good looks I was the cool mom.

At 13 my daughter didn’t have a personal cell phone... there was a track phone available for times she was away from home to call for rides or to keep us informed of any changes in plans.

At 13 after school she had chores, homework, basketball, volleyball, dance, theater, piano, family dinner, reading, and then bed.

At 13 daughter wasn’t popular...

Cause she couldn’t get too caught up in drama, and she was always busy and the kids didn’t like the fact that there was ALWAYS a grown up around who actually talked to them and made sure homework got done during study time.

At 13 parents I had known and trusted since the kids were in 2nd grade were now encouraging unsupervised socializing...

Kids are dropped off at movie theaters and malls given wads of cash and are told we will pick you up at 6:00 make sure you are here cause I have errands to run.

On girl’s mom made a special 7 minutes in heaven room for her daughters 14th birthday... a small alcove with french doors and privacy curtains, the room was furnished with cozy love seat and decorated with red Christmas lights

Word around the campfire was that there would be beer and Mike’s hard lemonade, at least one for everybody... the parents promised to stay upstairs because there were no parents allowed downstairs

At 13 that would make her the most popular girl in school if she could go... just this once... I already know you won’t let me go and you don’t care that I don’t have any friends and I will be a freak the rest of my life...

I think that raising a teenager requires work...

And it if I am honest it would be so much easier to be the cool mom without so many rules who would just let kids be kids under the guise of learning from their own mistakes.

When the truth is most of them aren’t ready for that level of autonomy and don’t want it. ~JS

[Ms. Smart]

Let's see. Where we live there's a community center in the middle of the sub-division. I know they have cheap and free activities because they send out circulars. In middle school I was allowed to go 'out' with two girls. Their mom/aunt was my mom's best friend from the time I was in first grade. But yeah, we went to the movies, with boys my people didn't vet because they didn't know they existed. This is how I know parents don't know 100% of what kids do. My people also let me take their credit card and a note to shop with in highschool. Having said that, I wasn't 'fass' because I didn't want to anything to ruin my plan of getting out of Detroit. No getting preggers or failing classes. Also, something that was huge for me is that my mother was home when I got off from school. All my dirt was done on the other side of town mostly during school hours.

[Ms. Smart]

Let's see. Where we live there's a community center in the middle of the sub-division. I know they have cheap and free activities because they send out circulars.

In middle school I was allowed to go 'out' with two girls. Their mom/aunt was my mom's best friend from the time I was in first grade. But yeah, we went to the movies, with boys my people didn't vet because they didn't know they existed. This is how I know parents don't know 100% of what kids do. My people also let me take their credit card and a note to shop with in high school. And boys were allowed to visit but as I stated in another comment, my people didn't make it any fun. Having said that, I wasn't 'fass' because I didn't want to anything to ruin my plan of getting out of Detroit. No getting preggers or failing classes. Also, something that was huge for me is that my mother was home when I got off from school. My dirt (skipping) was done on the other side of town mostly during school hours. We were smart enough to trick the scantron attendance system...So yeah, even good kids, at college prep schools find a way to do stuff.

[missmajestic]

they can come in and hang out in the living room...they probably won't last long with an adult hovering near anyway