As I've stated a few times, I know a few men who are raising their daughters alone. Two of them have girls who are in college and the other has one who's in 10th grade. She goes to visit her mother for holidays and some summers. The mother is married with another child. The father and mom got together when he was in college. One of the reasons he eventually took custody was because his daughter wasn't being raised the way he wanted--the way he was raised. It's not that her mom was a poor mom but she was a bit more 'urban' than he approved of. She is a nice person. Though he always is sure to point out that he got with her his second year of college while she was a grocery store clerk from a single family home. He wasn't smart enough to look for the traits he'd later find were important for the mother of his child to have.
Up until this point, he was under the impression that his daughter's mom was fine with their agreed upon rules--which are essentially his rules extended to the mom's house. He's managed to calm down in front of the daughter. When he called the mom, she didn't answer. So as he waits to speak to her, he's calmed a bit and doesn't really get exactly how to address the situation without using the words and phrases 'groupie', 'tramp', 'like you', and 'pregnant by Lil Wayne'. How would you guys suggest he handle this difference in parenting?
Invite Aunt Esther over w/the deconesses crew to evangelize these heathens & put an end to all this devilment over this baby. & if that don't take, start a talk about delayed gratification. Talk about saving some of life's excitement for late like when she can pay for it.(she = the daughter) & not because her parents are fronting her rent light & gas. *shucks & jives* out to, "Papa Don't Take No Mess" sparkling ruby red grapefruit juice.
Posted by: WuDaMan | 01/26/2011 at 08:17 AM
I mean how is the Mama going to top that? Like to reward big things graduating h.s. College grad school.
Posted by: WuDaMan | 01/26/2011 at 08:50 AM
Yeah like you don't let a head liner play before the opening act. What if she get grown & can't afford to do that type of indulging she's going to be in for a world of disappointment. Aa parent you have to put the childs needs before your own sometimes.
Posted by: WuDaMan | 01/26/2011 at 08:58 AM
That last sentence gave me LIFE! He doesn't need to approach the mom from a place of anger. Let her know how imagining his daughter in that situation made him fearful for her well-being (which is basically what it boils down to, all judgment aside). The mother will shut down if he bulldozes her judgment, but may be receptive to him voicing his fears.
He is not in control of what takes place when she is out of his home, so the best thing is to stay in constant communication while she is away so that he's kept abreast. He assumed that the rules were the same. Now that he knows better, pay closer attention.
She's in the 10th grade, so there's really only 2 more summers left. I would suggest looking into some summer programs for the daughter to participate in, so that she won't be able to have as much lax time at mom's house.
Posted by: SoJo | 01/26/2011 at 09:23 AM
Shyt this is beyond my scope. Other then having a sit down with the mother followed by a sit down with the both of them together not sure what else he can do. Not allowing her to see her mother may not be an option especially at her age.
Hell the only differences in parenting styles my parents had was there was soda at my dad's and none at my mom's.
Posted by: Honest | 01/26/2011 at 09:24 AM
I don’t know if talking to the mother would do any good. She knew he would not approve of the concert or the hotel visit. I wonder if in some sick way she did all this to try and prove that her daughter wasn’t better than her. I would let her know that I didn’t approve of her actions then I would have a long talk with my daughter about expectations when she is with other people.
Posted by: mrcrazyone | 01/26/2011 at 09:46 AM
He should calm down and just tell the mom why he was upset. His fear or worries, or if just thought it was inappropriate for her age, whatever. He shouldn't get his hopes up about getting through to her. Any mother that would help her underage daughter go to the "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn" has extremely bad judgement.
I would focus on the daughter. Make her feel bad and let her know that even when you have an option to do some heaux shit, how important it is to make the right decisions. How choices you make now can have long-lasting impact and let her know that I think that she's old enough (and hopefully) responsible enough to make the right choice in these situations. I'd reiterate what I expect of her and why.
Posted by: akima | 01/26/2011 at 10:21 AM
Honestly, it is none of his business what mom and daughter do when they spend time together. None.
Frankly, he created a single parent household for his child. The mother was good enough to sleep with and impregnaate, but nothing more?? I guess his values wern't so tight either. Or was he just raised that way.
He picked her.Tell him to focus on his household.
Posted by: sherri | 01/26/2011 at 10:22 AM
But alla dat doesn't change the fact that her mother thought it was a great idea to let her teen go to a hotel to 'meet' an artist!
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:31 AM
I really don't know. Maybe momma is trying to be super cool.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:32 AM
This is just mess. Children have poor judgment but when the adult in charge displays such piss poor judgment, then what? Mom put the child in a dangerous situation and to make matters worse, this child looks every bit of 25--which is why her dad keeps a stern eye on her around grown men.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:34 AM
That's the rub. He can't keep her away from the mother. He also can't tell the child her mother made a poor decision.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:35 AM
The mom believes he's a little too strict with the daughter. And I do think part of it is that she's trying to win over her daughter as a friend. As a father, you know one of his issues stemmed from her being around grown ass men 'partying'. The thought of it cut him deep.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:36 AM
"I would focus on the daughter. Make her feel bad and let her know that
even when you have an option to do some heaux shit, how important it is
to make the right decisions. How choices you make now can have
long-lasting impact and let her know that I think that she's old enough
(and hopefully) responsible enough to make the right choice in these
situations. I'd reiterate what I expect of her and why."
I am riding with you on this!
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:38 AM
Which is why dad needs to spend less focus on the mom and more on making sure that the daughter is equipped w/ good decision making skills. She's two years away from adulthood and "freedom". This won't be the last time she's put in this position.
He could change this into a teachable moment that has nothing to do with the mother. Today it's Lil' Wayne at a high school party. In a couple of years, it's the "secret room" at frat house.
Posted by: SoJo | 01/26/2011 at 11:39 AM
I disagree about it being his business. What if his child got raped, high, etc.? A child is the parents' business no matter where that child is. As for him getting a chick preggers so young, I mentioned this in the post. He admits he didn't think. And according to him, the mother was dead set against getting an abortion. I know from day one willingly paid support (wrote checks to prove it at the urging of his mother), split time with the child, etc. Then the mom went to court to get more money and ended up getting less AND losing custody. But this is a prime example that you can wind up stuck dealing everyone you lay with!
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 11:41 AM
Yeah it won't get the milk up out the carpet, though it may encourage the ideaof using of a glass, cup, sippy cup, or something the next time they get thirsty.
The best way to chang one behavior is to replace it with another. His daughter is still learning how to live her life. Where the parents should know better. I mean he probably doesn't have time to raise no 30, 40 something year old child (the mother). I'm suggesting maybe it was a whim the mother fell for. I mean who stalks people to know where they are staying? Sounds like Mama could have been set up so baby girl can see her bio parents interacting w/wishful thinking of them getting back together.
Posted by: WuDaMan | 01/26/2011 at 12:07 PM
He was a sophpmore in college. By the time you are 20 your foundation is laid. He thought the mother was good enough to sleep with but I guess not good enough for more than that. He should have thunk. He picked her. I'm not going to comment on his wanting an abortion or whatever. Actions have consequences - raised right or not.
And, no, it is not his business. The mother is the mother HE picked. What happens on her watch happens on her watch - he has no control. If he wanted it to be his business he would have provided a two parent home for his daughter. He didn't and those are the consequences. If he thinks it is that bad, he should go back to court and get supervised visitation.
See, you only have control over what happens with your kid in your home. Provide a two parent household and you can call all the shots in your house. Otherwise accept that everyone is not you. The person you picked is the person you picked.
He should send his time making sure his kid understands THAT lesson.
Posted by: sherri | 01/26/2011 at 02:09 PM
I agree with Sherri.
I think he needs to get with the mother is he really wants a unified household. The mother isn't trying to run his home and he should not try to run her (baby momma) home.
I think the father's thoughts of the child's mother impact the girls view of herself. How can a parent think negatively of the other parent and not carry that thought onto their view of the child.
If he didn't think the girl had heaux genes he probably would not crack when she did things like a concert and a visit to a hotel.
Posted by: Ames | 01/26/2011 at 04:15 PM
How does a parent look at their child and realize, they advocated for an abortion.
I'm not sure how a parent can truly love a child they wanted sucked up, squashed and trashed at the start.
Posted by: Ames | 01/26/2011 at 04:19 PM
The same way they can look at one they never intended to make and love it.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 04:47 PM
Excuse me but what 10th grader should be chasing up behind some 'artist' at a hotel? Heaux genes or not, most logic people (parents and non-parents) find having a 10th grader at a hotel to be piss poor. To be clear, the 'artist' damned sure wasn't a tini-bopper having a meet and greet for fans.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 04:50 PM
I think many parents would chalk that up to poor teenage judgment or pushing boundaries. He thinks tramp, groupie, preg by lil wayne like her momma.
Posted by: Ames | 01/26/2011 at 06:28 PM
Yes! But this child's momma made it happen. Sneak around and act a fool is one thing. Parentally sanctioned foolishness is another.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 06:30 PM
What do you do at a hotel?
Was it 12 noon and she was in line with other teens for a sighting? Was it an autograph session? Were they hanging out at the salada bar? Was mom there? Was it midnight? I need to know more.
I'm not so quick to label it less than innocent off the bat.
Posted by: sherri | 01/26/2011 at 07:18 PM
Fair enough. I didn't give enough info. This wasn't a daytime Justin Beiber deal. It was a night time concert. Mom found out what hotel the grown performer was staying at, and told the girl (and her friend) to cab it from the concert. She, according to daughter (and daughter's friends parents), agreed to pick them up at whatever time but they'd better be done by morning. Dude found out because the friend's parents saw pictures. All grown ups know what hotels look like.
Posted by: Ms. Smart | 01/26/2011 at 07:24 PM
I stick with my original points but add this.
It sounds fishy. I"m with Judge Judy. You know when a teenager is lieing because their lips are moving. I may or may not have been known to lie about what parent was picking me up and what party they were taking me to when I was a teenager.
Seriously, if he thinks this happened he should be willing to take it to court and eliminate unsupervised visitation. Otherwise, ix-nay
Posted by: sherri | 01/26/2011 at 10:48 PM