Circle Of Influence

Well the crazy momma train has pulled up and I cut the daggone power.  My little brother (the young-young one) has a girlfriend.  She's not my favorite person but he likes her and she's nice enough.  Well my brother did something super major nice for his girlfriend.  My mother called me livid.  You would have thought he bought this girl a house.  Anyhow, I let my mother finish and asked her what the big deal was.  She said she didn't want this girl to make a fool of my brother.  If ANYONE is being made a fool of, it's this girl who is still in the complete dark about the side chick's abortion.

I told her as respectfully as possible that I saw nothing wrong with my brother's grand gesture and that if a young man did that for ME when I was that girl's age, she would be super cool with it.  SILENCE.  In that silent space I asked her why this girl wasn't at least as good as me?  Did she think so little of her son's decision making skills that she couldn't believe he was dealing with a 'nice' girl.  SILENCE  I also pointed out that she doesn't take these stances with me or my other brother.  And the only time she finds fault in something my youngest brother does is when he doesn't do what she thinks he should do. 

Three times, I have been the girlfriend of dudes whose mother's (and sister's) goal was to keep him available to them.  Yes, these women were actually very married too.  I thought these men would get older and see what was going on.  After all, I'm smart enough to know my dad and step-dad hate everyone initially because knowing I'm dating anyone might mean I have chex and that though makes them vomit a bit in their mouths.  I know this.  I've known this since I was about 23.  Why don't grown ass men know this?

The mothers were all smiles and Sunday brunches together.  But the stuff they'd plant in their son's minds was amazing.  So wait, because I had a job where I traveled, I was out meeting men at fancy locations like Crackohdeaz, OH?  Makes perfect sense.  I went to HU and I'm a Delta?  I must be super bougie.  I don't have a son.  But I have brothers.  My words about the women in their lives rarely goes beyond, "Tell me something good about her before you tell me anything bad...Babes, I need context.  What did you say/do right before she said/did that?" 

Maybe the sons have consistently made poor decisions.  Maybe the moms knew their sons were weak impressionable.  I think the real problem was that the mothers didn't care how weak their sons were.  They just didn't want someone to come along and have more influence over their sons than they (the moms) did.  As for my mother, she settled herself down by the time I got off that phone.

Comments

[BK]

applause!!!! although my son is 12 I do NOT look forward to the day he brings home a girl and says this is my girlfriend!! As a mother I have to admit I am hoping that my son will make good choices and I am not too judgmental I have to trust we laid the foundation to help him.. Funny enough I didn't worry about this with my daughter..

[cee]

It's interesting that we have this dynamic. My mother was the very same way with my brother. When she met his then girlfriend, she made such a bad impression, that I was surprised that the girl didn't dump my brother. But, my brother ended up putting his foot down with my mother and making her see that it was HIS decision to make - not my mom's. And, now, that same girl is his wife, and the person who my mom knows she can turn to since all of her kids are no longer living close to her.

[Ms. Smart]

Exactly! I really couldn't believe my mother--especially after she'd seen me be the girlfriend in similar situations.

Mothers get in their feelings about what their sons are doing FOR women and fathers get upset over thing dudes are NOT doing for their daughters. They also want their opinions to carry more weight than their daughter's SO. It'll b interesting to see how my dad (and stepdad) behave when I get married--especially since I know how my dad responded to my grandparents when he first married my mom.

[Ms. Smart]

Yes! My brother's girlfriend is more helpful to my mom than my brother is. She's a nice enough girl who loves my brother to death--maybe too much. She doesn't have enough personality for my tastes, however. She may come off that way because I hear she's completely afraid of me. So long as she takes care of my brother, I don't really have any complaints about what he does for her.

[sherri]

They just didn't want someone to come along and have more influence over their sons than they (the moms) did.

LOLOL.... I'm the exact opposite. Every parent I met before my husband LOVED ME. I give of the Nice Girl vibe in a major way. My other really serious bf gave him the business when we broke up. Maybe they were right to be concerned. He went out an married the first woman he spoke to after the break up about 6 months later. She was totally inappropriate. They are now divorced.

Another mother gushed on and on about how she was "so glad you weren't White" when she caught me by myself in the bathroom at a holiday party.

Anywho, my husband's mother was awefull. I've learned to live with it. She is 14 hours away by car and I only have to see her once a year - if that. I'm in good company. She doesn't care for the women her son married.

[Honest]

Interesting. Moms are really funny. I remember meeting a friend's mom and I have no idea what he told her but she gave me the coldest shoulder ever!

My step mom loves my brother's girlfriends in fact she generally tries to treat them like they're also her child.

[Honest]

I didn't finish my first thought. I wasn't even dating dude and she was giving me the evil eye.

[ames]

I hope to be sane when my son dates and marries. I appreciated the way my grandmothers were. It is good to be a child and be able to have your parents and grandparents together.

My mil told my husband just last week that I brainwashed him. We both figure she is upset that she has no influence any longer. He is the oldest and when we were dating she would regularly tell her husband (his father) that she wished the father was more like the son.

When we were engaged she took me on a tour of open houses and discussed how we'd get a house large enough so she could have one side and we could live on the other. I like looking at open houses so I would enjoy myself. My husband now understands why girls he was serious about broke up with him LOL.

[akima]

My S/O's mom is a little weird like this. Like others have said, I think it's the idea of some other woman having more influence over her son than she does.

It takes different forms, like the fact that she consistently mispronounces my name after our 2 years together and a proposal. Asking why he "let" me cut my hair, etc. On the other hand, his dad is a complete sweetheart.

I think she's coming around though - hopefully. It doesn't bother me much. I know where it comes from and shoot, I might be that way someday. I think the important thing is to let people be where they are. Unless I'm being outright disrespected (in which case, I would expect HIM to handle it), I'm good.

[akima]

Oh, and kudos to you for reining your mom in. My dad has eight sisters, my only maternal uncle has four (my mom included). They're not awful but they're not always as sweet to their sister-in-laws as they think they are.

[BK]

you know this just spawned an entirely different conversation with my son now that he has sent me a text reminding me that we have to pick up a present for this birthday party he is going to next sat.. OK it's a girl's party.. he never reminds me of a lil boy's party.. sigh now I need to investigate LOL

[Ms. Smart]

To be clear, the normal mothers loved me. But the ones who wanted to maintain control, not so much!

[Ms. Smart]

But wait, have you brainwashed him? What? It's not like you denied it. As far as house shopping, I had a mom tell me she was going to live in dude's basement.

[Ms. Smart]

The key is whether the son's see it.

[Ms. Smart]

I just couldn't get on board. I can roll with a lot of my mother's crazy notions but this was absolutely crazy--especially considering how my brother has gotten away with behaving.

[Ms. Smart]

Uh-huh! It's real!

[L.P.]

Where I'm from, mothers actually raise their sons to be "dependent" on them... and meddle WAYYY too much in their sons' affairs.

I'm like you, I stay telling my mom and aunts that they are not doing themselves a service by criticizing every single girl the boys bring... because guess what? We, their daughters, have to go through that as well. *smh*...

I am so glad my mil is awesome. My best friend's mil on the other hand? First grade b!tch material. Oh my. She really is a handful. She once stayed 6 months at my friend's house and gave her hell the entire time... I mean straight up meanness and because of the way my friend was raised, she kept quiet and bore all of it. Not I said this kid. :).. It really is a plague in my culture and I hope the buck will stop with my generation... (which I doubt)

[Ms. Smart]

This reminds me of something some Liberians have told me. I was told that the only thing a young bride can do is to pray she has sons because it's understood that if her MIL is alive, she is the first woman in the husband's life. Instead of bucking the system, brides hope for their own sons who will (eventually) hold their mom in higher regard than the women they marry.

[L.P.]

This is exactly how it works... Sad but true.

For the longest time, I wanted to find an orphan... like for real. :)