But I See You Standing Right There

I had a job where I was in a post-sales implementation position.  I moved over to sales, start seeing the size of the deals, looking at my pay and bonuses and that's when the trouble started.  See, when you don't see all the pieces, then it's easier to stay happy.

I find this to be the case in relationships.  Dating?  Cool.  See someone once or twice a week?  Great.  You like each other.  But get into a relationship and baby, that's when the truth comes out.  The person you thought might have a beer with dinner, get angry while driving, etc, when you're in a committed relationship, you can find out they are a raging alcoholic who has anger issues.  Then you spend a bit of time trying to figure out how to get back to the person you dated.  Welp, they are the same person.   You just know more of who they are and what they're capable of.  And occasionally, the person you dated and liked is the person you end up with.

The other day when Ted mentioned frociates (heterociates), it got me to thinking.  Full disclosure, I've never been interested in moving anyone from the frociate heterociate box to the SO box. However, I have had situations where I was seeing someone, then felt like our relationship seemed to be very friendly.  In the three situations where we continued to date/be in an official relationship, it was the best (until it wasn't).  We did things together because we genuinely liked the company.  Yes, we did everything (kicked it one-on-one, and created memories), together.

And that is how the artist formerly known as Manfriend (also known as Ike to Ted), became the last heterociate (doesn't have the same ring), standing and the only ex to move into the sincere 'cool' zone.  Granted, we weren't cool immediately.  But at the end of the day (a year or so after the break-up) we were cool. Have been for like five years since.

Our ability to kick it as 'friends' goes far beyond being comfortable with each other, helpful, and socially compatible.  I think he ginuinely likes me as a person.  I like him as well.  This is outside of anything physical.  No, we haven't seen no parts of 'relations' in, whew, I can't even remember.  Six years after being a couple, we can sit on his deck, nary piece of drink or music, and have the bestest time.

I've joked time and time again that my friends probably don't like each other that much because we can't be together for more than seven minutes without wine, beer, or cocktails coming out.  It's a joke but not really.  As I do my Q2 life adjustments, I've had to really look at who would be around if they had nothing to immediately take from me.  This is different that a fair exchange.  Givers can be takers.  But takers who bring nothing comparable to the table?  They like what they can take--not the person they're taking it from.  At the same time, I realized there are a few people in my life who I am fascinated by but I just don't like. 

I should be sad by this but, eh, I don't take it personally.  And I would hope that the people who I don't like can also go away without taking our incompatible personalities as a sigh of complete rejection.   This includes relatives too.  *gives aunt the Hil Clinton side-eye of death*

Comments

[Blame_Ted]

Full disclosure, I've never been interested in moving anyone from the frociate/heterociate box to the SO box

I am the same way. Though, I take my time before frociating someone where as you do it in exactly 2π seconds. lol

I think he genuinely likes me as a person. I like him as well. This is outside of anything physical.

In my view, this is one of the greatest things ever. When a man and woman genuinely like each other and like each other's company outside of trying to stroke or gaming for security. When there are no ulterior motives, and two folks of the opposite sex just like to spend time together?? Nothing but goodness. All friendships don't even have this component to them because they share ups and downs, good and bad moments. Frociates just get to chill without obligation. Its like friends with benefits, except ya'll aren't friends and the benefits are way better than post-coital drama.

my friends probably don't like each other that much because we can't be together for more than seven minutes without wine, beer, or cocktails coming out.

This is interesting. I know you've probably made that point before, but it's still intriguing. I guess its like the paraphrased Jermaine Stewart: "we don't have to take the... wine out... to have a good time."

Yes I just quoted a man who hot combs his hair. Guess I'll just shut up now.

[Honest]

Your friends are lushes that's why they always want a drink when you're hanging.

[Ms. Smart]

The fact that you wrote pi though?  Completely nerderific.  The thing is, he and I have shared ups and downs.  Whenever anything major, good or bad, happens, we tell each other.  I try to be smart about this--when I'm in a relationship. 

*ignores your reference to that song*

[Ms. Smart]

You are my friend.  Therefore, you are a lush!

[WuDaMan]

These posts lately are incredible. I have really been enjoying them. Aigh what is Q2? & I think that the people who are vested in the well being of people and have experience in helping them with that are the ones that don't need extras to kick it. Did Ted say "2π seconds?!" LOL. There's nothing like the honesty love and the connection of a true friendship. Maybe you drive your friends to drink Lol :-).

[Ms. Smart]

You aint shyt! You know that Wu! Next time I'm in Philly, we're sharing a meal and there won't be any drinking!

As for the genuine liking, I'm starting to think those three men have ruined me because now, I pay attention to whether or not a man likes me as a person. And it's not that I have to be liked by everyone. But in a relationship, I believe that if someone sincerely likes me, we will argue less, be respectful, etc.

[SoJo]

Hmmmm...I like how you described the part about Manfriend. THAT'S how I want to see you (and all of us) end up. If not w/ him, then with someone else in that way. Because when we're 80 and the kids are gone and no more things on our "checklists" to complete that kind of ease is gonna be invaluable.

[Ms. Smart]

Here's the thing tho...I know single men who have married friends who are married to people they don't like. When this happens, those married/involved men paint a picture that 1) wives aren't friends 2) wife material = boring.

Did I ever tell y'all abt that time I took The Cool out on the town for his b-day? He kept remarking how great of a time he had. After having heard him say it one too many times, I dug and found that he and his friends didn't socialize like that with their SO's/spouses. Image the screw face I had. I was coming from a relationship with Manfriend where we were each other's kicking it partners and this MF was saying they socialize separately? O_o

[SoJo]

I know a lot of people like that, too. Personally, I could not imagine marrying a person that I do not consider my closest friend. That's why I've never really dated a lot. I usually "mate" with someone that I feel a strong personal connection to and enjoy having around when I'm just being. It's same way that, while I socialize frequently, I don't have a lot of ppl that I consider friends. That process for me takes a lot of time and focus.

I kind of think that's how ppl end up marrying people that they don't really enjoy spending "down time" with. They spent their entire courtship focusing on specific activities and events with their mates and never really just chilled to see if that person meshed into their space.

Don't get me wrong. Couples should DEFINITELY have the space to have separate activities going on, but if you can't imagine kicking it with your wife or husband???? O_o

[WuDaMan]

Lol mmmhm.

Here's where I went brainstorming on the being liked for who you are. Yes the things you do can make someone smile. Yes the things you do can make someone frown. Someone liking you for who you are dips in to finding out why you do what you do when you do that voo doo *mmmm beer* <--see what just happened. & contemplate on who that makes you. They themselves must for some reason be enthralled w/ it to stick around. & another thing you had nothing to do w/ what it is they like and how they express their gratitude. You are a reason but not the reason. So where does that leave you? Who do you thank give guff to for the good and bad that that person brings to you? Oh I wanted to ask what's in your "fascination?" I mean as far as you and your experiences are concerned what does that mean?

[Ms. Smart]

Fascination means that I'm interested in learning more about their thought process.  This is why I interacted with Jason and Xedo--both of jail and then 'good life' fame.  Their basic stats are the same but they are completely different in how they think.  I have gotten in trouble being fascinated with men though because they don't get that my interest stops at their personality and how they think.

[MRCHAPXPERIENCE]

I love coming here. You always give the goods straight with no chaser.

~Chappy
www.insanaesylumblog.com